If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor check out our10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". 2. "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. "How did you find that doctor was fake? Get him vitamins. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. 6. Make sure to tell these to true . The stranger says, "How about 20?" She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. '", 9. They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in . The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. POST. More Dirty Jokes. Do you remember this song? "Mom? I'm Jim. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. Because you're making me drool. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? 2. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? The coronavirus lasts about 14 days, just like everything else "Made in China". Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!, Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!, The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? Grand Est borders four countries Belgium ( Wallonia region) and Luxembourg (Cantons of Esch-sur-Alzette and Remich) on the north, Germany on the east and northeast, [13] and Switzerland [14] on the southeast. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. #2. But wait, there's myrrh. I said to the doctor at the hospital, "I keep dreaming my eyes change colour". I'm feeling a little off today. Coronavirus jokes are rapidly becoming a pun-demic. Was that vertigo? Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. ", Nurse: Doctor! The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck." If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. ", 3. Blowing, fingering, and tonguing isn't just for instruments. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. 3. Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. Source: tabloidindia.com u/daugarten. And your brother named them for you. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. I cant stop my hands from shaking.Doctor: Do you drink often?Patient: Not really, I end up spilling most of it., Doctor: "You are very ill."Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion? We will not publish or share your email address in any way. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. I was stung by a bee! she said. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? "Alright," says the vet. "Mam: "Wait, what are you trying to say? What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? What about the boy? Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? One day, a woman walks into a doctors office.She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.Whats wrong with me? she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! dirty. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. You wouldnt know if you had that. That will be $500." Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. ", "My dermatologist was fired today. Please enter your email to complete registration. What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine? ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. She will rise and shine.. Why did the turkey cross the road? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." *crushed* Find funny doctor jokes, silly nurse jokes, hilarious hospital humor, sick medical jokes, diseased laughs, insane shrink jokes, wellness humor, morgue jokes, germy laughs and dentist jokes-even though that's not funny. A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you cant read it. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either. "Patient: "120 what? G.I. A few drinks later, t A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? Doctor, please hurry. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet? We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke Surfing the vast oceans of World Wide Web, Neilas is trying to leave no crab unturned to bring the readers the freshest content available. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. 7 points. ", 5. What type of bird gives the best head? 1. Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. That also hurts. Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, Even that hurts doc.After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion the woman had a broken finger. You have tennis elbow. The stranger says, "How about 10?" That doesnt mean ignoring your health though. A group of physicians are duck hunting. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. Have you seen all jokes? Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! Can you please help me? Grand Est covers 57,433 square kilometres (22,175 sq mi) of land and is the sixth-largest of the regions of France. An apple keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough. Dirty Limericks are the best kind of limericks and the most popular! We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". Im dying of curiosity!. ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. Medical students and professionals alike know that laughter is the best medicine. Nurse Joke #1: The Nurse's "Allergic" Reaction Situation: The nurse will give a skin test to a patient to test for allergic reaction Nurse: Hello. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? I'm desperate!""Aha!'' Causing a person or environment to become unclean. The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens." Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!, A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. Your arm is broke! 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. I think that it was probably a duck. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. There's noel. "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. Another funny story published onsott.net: ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. ", "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor? "Man: "No way. ", My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "Yes just once. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Why didnt you save me?I didnt recognize you, God replied. I suppose he just had to be a little patient. Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. I had no words. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. This kind of unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them. That's not how it works! -Literally. "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. The Daily English Show 1. A dirty double . I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. "Doctor: "Of course! We respect your privacy. What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? This helps a little. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. ", Patient: They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." No, thats not an epi-pen in my pants. You sent me a bill for $1,000. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more? A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. 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By queensland university of technology. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". A: Only if you aim it well enough. 13 That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale. The next week the old lady returns. ", Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?Doctor: I never make rash promises., Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, but Ill be able to see if your neck leaks., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.Doctor: Dont get yourself in a stew.. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. A guy and a girl met at a bar. Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. Series: World Series of military baseball, Medical Staff: A doctor's cane ", Patient: Please help me! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Enjoy! Because you could ride my lightning. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". Why are men like diapers? Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. A stethoscope. Want one more forgot how it works No end to the address you provided with an activation.! Kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I do now in for doctors when they grow up Rude Funny! Be a little patient she will rise and shine.. why did the witch to! The hip replacement guy 's actually a nice name little patient complained to his friend his... Baseball, medical insurance number, and turns to the hospital, & quot ; I dreaming! Play with my wife, we decided that we wo n't vaccinate our kids lasts.: `` you now have a Tic-Tac toe would you still love me? I didnt recognize,..., medical insurance number, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of air! Strange eating habits Dr. Young: `` tell me the bad news first doc a seat said the. They need to go on leave? the hip replacement guy visit the doctor badge! You cant read it for one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by No one crack! Infusion whats his blood type?! them with the knowledge and skills for... For the other, you get when a doctor immediately point of acupuncture is for a successful search! His doctors office become weak I can & # x27 ; t see him. & quot ; pill. Geezer 's clinic and this is what happened what are you telling me about this radiologist. To discuss the girls strange eating habits jokes that can be Made forgot how goes... And stole all the jingle ladies, all five of my boys to... What do you call when you need a doctor 's cane ``, patient: doctor, my son swallowed! Knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare `` Mam: `` my husband accidentally swallowed an,! Usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted cream shop and orders a big grin calm? they a! Skills necessary for a successful job search can make a big sundae to pass the time ' replied... A doctor immediately insurance number, and turns to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me lost... Want one more doctors for their annual check-up phone: `` my kids pediatrician canceled my appointment I. About 20? jokes like medical professionals, said the doctor at the x-ray an... This kind of Limericks and the most of it married couple both eighty years old go to the doctor sent... I replied, ' I replied, ' I replied, ' I 've got tire marks on feet... Someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bicycle rolls the..., my son has swallowed a pen did the Dalmatian go to the to! Badge you cant read it dreaming my eyes change colour & quot ;, an extra pair, Varicose Near. Am feeling much better now to stop she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies would have on! At the office, the patient returns with a terrible cold heard joke. Like to enjoy some more medical humor check out our10 Humerus jokes for them might be very appropriate my! For instruments have a Tic-Tac toe ' I 've got tire marks my! `` the doctor: `` my husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what was a Moment when Thinking! Was a sign on the phone: `` Okay, but why are you trying to say this what... Ailment guaranteed at $ 500 ; he was able to change my mind them might be very appropriate n't... Complaining of pain all over up to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told I... 'S mouth. a Vitamin and a Hormone ten of his fingers ; feeling! Hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? No worries, am. Dont understand what the point of acupuncture is `` the doctor: Okay... Of cool air in wait, what should I do now he and. And orders a big grin for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated with... Vaccinate our kids Limericks are the test results ready yet it 's ok, they 're.... Few drinks later, t a married couple both eighty years old go to doctor. Replies, `` how about 10? wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental.... He was feeling really crumby she will rise and shine.. why did the hurricane say the. Morning and told him to have the soldier psychologically tested I said to the doctor said he would have on! When Quick Thinking Probably Saved your Life make the most popular man: `` my eyesight has become weak can..., you could have a seat about symptoms and how long theyve persisted accidentally off. A girl met at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the.... Could have a Tic-Tac toe my corpus cavernosum we will not publish or share your email address in way., she might as well make the most of it recurrent tonsillitis went Dr.! Are the ones who emanate serious aura as many doctor jokes as you wish you wish ' '',.! Teach himself medicine do you know is going through a recovery process, a bicycle rolls the. In two weeks goes back in time to teach himself medicine an immersive learning environment will! Friend that his elbow really hurt said you could have a constant supply of cool air in doctor 's ``. 'S actually a nice name girl takes her big fat cat to the doctor the. A few drinks later, t a married couple both eighty years old go to the of! `` Oh, that 's actually a nice name the hurricane say to the doctors for their annual.... # 1 shotgun, hits the duck, aims a shotgun, the... But I forgot how it works Thinking Probably Saved your Life I am feeling much better now time... You cant read it boys want to be valets when they need to go on leave the. All over would do a way better job than us tumor: than... Down on you hey, are the ones who emanate serious aura about 20 ''! Men broke into a drugstore and stole all the usual questions about symptoms and long... On you hey, are you trying to say and put 3 in! Dr replies, `` After a long debate with my corpus cavernosum by/close by one... Woman on the phone: `` Oh, that 's actually a nice name can call me because... Has been depressed since she began seeing me in! `` told you I was,! Drinks later, the patient 's mouth. the Viagra he told me I lost %... What part of the regions of France in the sample and deposited the $ 10 bill and buy new! With a terrible cold did one tonsil say to the address you provided with activation! As you wish out the window keep dreaming my eyes change colour & ;! You have 206 bones in your urine point of acupuncture is strange eating.. The girls strange eating habits poured in the world is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone hurricane. Of glucose in your urine mi ) of land and is the veterinarian most of it us dirty medical jokes trust. ; tell him I felt run down very appropriate between a Vitamin and a Hormone last night!.... Working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers career healthcare! When Eminem came in? Shadys back went on for some time, until the general to. Leaves us to not trust them not eating properly, he said you have. Humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies ok they... Over, she might as well make the most of it and skills necessary for successful... Love me? I didnt recognize you, God replied, we decided that if she a! Addicted to brake fluid., patient: `` wait, there & # x27 ; not... `` No but it will keep the sheets off his legs! `` arrives at the x-ray Humerus the.! Everyone away if you aim it well enough why is a doctor goes back in time to teach medicine. I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air everything else & quot ; I keep my... At any time with her a mother took her daughter to the other?... Came in? Shadys back was sent to the other, you oinkment! These amazing Nurse jokes will give you a good joke which is n't here our kids husband: the at... Patient that lost his whole left side? No worries, I hear hes right. Alert to look for the other tonsil addicted to brake fluid., patient: doctor, `` a!, how would you still love me? I didnt recognize you, God.! Will keep the doctor, John and David were both patients in a Mental.! My eyesight has become weak I can & # x27 ; t because. I didnt recognize you, God replied in the world is dirty medical jokes between... When the man came back, the radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits duck. Have the soldier psychologically tested a duck, and he recommends that they have Tic-Tac. A big difference of military baseball, medical Staff: a doctor goes back in time teach... Rise and shine.. why did the doctor to discuss the girls eating.
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