She is a person too, you know. A few days later I heard my aunt telling she also bought my mother the exact same statue. affects a womans well-being and the quality of her other relationships in life. They can even try to weaponize your own children against you or use other family members as flying monkeys to find out more information on you to use against you. Signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you come out when she is always comparing you to or talking about your hubbys ex-girlfriends. It is for this very reason my late brother and I often called her Scarlett O'Hara. It should be said that the child is also likely to believe that his or her mother is not just suffering but also a victim in a real sense. IF yes, this is yet another one of the jealous mother-in-law signs. This gives them the upper hand in proving that you are an unsuitable spouse for their son or daughter. In my experience, narcissistic manipulators have no problem using, abusing, conning, lying and slandering even close family members. My mother pulled the same stunt with various people in many circumstances. The following story is typical but way less aggressive than some of these self-declared victims. I think she loves the sympathy it gets herfrom my father, my siblings, and others. You can work this out, but only by holding a firm stance. My mother caused untold damage with this maneuver, yielding both immediate and long-term damage. This kind of mother-in-law plays games with her son to make him feel guilty for choosing you over her. Your mother-in-law always finds a reason to be upset and uses it to try and get your husband on her side. Manipulative mothers-in-law can take a toll on marriage, but if you work with your husband, you can come to an agreement. Our mother was much more dramatic and obvious when we were children, but had honed her acting and manipulation skills by the time we were adults. A mother's role-playing has direct effects on the child that can be long-lasting and highly damaging. I never understood it but then came to think she loves the sympathy more than to make others proud or envious. Research from 2022 indicates there is a strong link between covert narcissism and malicious envy. My mother caused untold damage with this maneuver, yielding both immediate and long-term damage. Set boundaries, and work with your husband to make it better. In this extremely toxic environment, the abuse is not viewed as the problem, exposing the abuse is considered the problem. "Or 'I worked so hard and I am alone now, you guys are so ungrateful.'" Rather than internalizing their criticism, its important to enforce healthy boundaries, limit your time and energy with your narcissistic mother-in-law, and make decisions based only on what you and your spouse believe to be best. Getentrepreneurial.com: Resources for Small Business Entrepreneurs in 2022. There is the immediate pain of having your own mother so viciously verbally assault you, but she is off and running before you can even catch your breath. As therapist Jennifer Beasley, LPC says, "A child relies on their mother for direction, safety and comfort, and hearing the words, 'I cant handle this' are disappointing and terrorizing for the young, but also for the adult child." It will be hard to transition her, but if you stick to it, you may see positive results. When a mother plays the victim, a child is often forced into the rescuer role, whether he or she wants it or not. One of the signs your mother-in-law is jealous is if she purposely doesnt invite you to family events or perhaps invites you last minute. In reality though its her doing saying behaving like etc she is accusing ppl of. My narcissistic mother was also as mad as hell because revealing the truth forced her to have to leave her pedophile husband and get a job since she could no longer convincingly pretend not to know she was married to a pedophile. 2005-2023 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. My mother had competitors. Narcissistic mothers-in-law tend to play the victim when you call them out on their inappropriate behavior or remarks. Welcome to Poler Stuff, a blog where you can find everything you need for a more fulfilling life, from mental health advice to suggestions on how to decorate your home! The way that parents respond to their childs successes and failures has a great effect on the formation of self-esteem and concept. The Narcissistic mother lacks the dependency on the child but is, instead, simply indifferent about the childs welfare. She goes out of her way to get her sons attention, calling him constantly and coming over without asking. Rather than allowing you to stand-alone and defend yourself, communicate to your partner that you need them to step up and defend joint decisions when necessary. This sense of narcissistic envy and rivalry can cause them to lash out at you, however passive-aggressively, in an attempt to sabotage your relationship so that their son or daughters attention is centered fully on them. PTSD Among Ukrainian Civilians in the Russia-Ukraine War, Wolves With a Parasite Become More Daring, Study Shows, Teen Mothers: When Stigma Trumps Compassion (and Research). My baby sister was left out of the loop since my brother was nine years older, and he left the house when she was only nine. Considering limiting communication with your mother-in-law before making decisions regarding your marriage or parenting ahead of time. 1. This will also help their mental health overall. My mothers parents had a failed marriage and they divorced. Not sure? While you are thinking surely her conscience will kick in and she will pull herself back, she is thinking how brilliantly she pulled off her latest stunt. and make other people feel bad about their actions. Once youve solved one apparent problem by agreeing to your narcissistic mother-in-laws request, she will likely find yet another issue to bring up. A covert narcissistic mother-in-law can harm and sabotage your self-esteem and your relationships with your spouse, children, and other family members. Speak up when you feel disrespected, and dont let her get away with, the quality of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Act in a mature manner 6. Feeling that my mother-in-law acts like she is married to my husband can be unnerving. One day I came home from school to find that my mom searched my room (for no actual reason) and found girl clothes. As psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo says, "A toxic mother is an energy vampire who cannot and will not love you or care for you, no matter how she ticks some boxes that allegedly look like she cares She is exhausting, frustrating, and has no qualms about hurting anyone, because she thrives on the attention and drama.". Vulnerable narcissism has also been linked to narcissistic rage, according to a 2015 study. I did not fully realize until years later that in her mind she was competing with me, and at the time I tried my best to ignore or ease it. I guess having a musically talented mother paid off for her., My daughter just won a silver medal at the Summer Olympics. This is a real life example of what I repeatedly, although completely inadvertently, caught my narcissistic personality disordered mother doing when I was in my twenties. Thankless behavior is one of the classic traits of a jealous mother-in-law. They may do this by sneaking in backhanded comments that subtly judge or shame you for your decisions whether it be your parenting style, how to be a proper and obedient spouse, your fashion choices, your choice of career, your life-work balance, or appearance. Ways To Deal With A Manipulative Mother-In-Law, Comparing you to your husbands former girlfriends, Avoid making conflict with your poisonous mother-in-law. The destruction these playing the victim while vilifying true victim ploys can inflict is nothing less than astonishing. There is a hungry desperateness to the Borderline mother, which leaves the kids anxious and never settled. So like a well programmed adult child of narcissists I surprised her by buying it for her even though I really could not afford to. Narcissistic Projections Quote by Gail Meyers. It could also be that your mother-in-law simply hasnt gotten the opportunity to know you very well. You let your guard down, you probably feel compassion for them, then you may even try to find something you can do or give in order to alleviate the situation. It may result in abuse by proxy from the flying monkeys. They differ with regard to the definition of success and failure. Narcissistic parents seek out attention from their children when they need something from them. esther wojcicki net worth; govdeals com pickup trucks for sale. However, their hypercritical input tends not to be limited to a one-off remark. She smeared his name literally for the rest of her days claiming he had irrationally attacked his mother without cause. Readers may send postal mail to Amy Dickinson, c/o Tribune Content Agency, LLC., 16650 Westgrove Dr., Suite 175, Addison, TX 75001 . 15 Ways To Deal With A Manipulative Mother-In-Law 1. Be careful with this kind of mother-in-law because this manipulative tactic can truly test the strength of your marriage. After being with a friend, colleague, or family member, do you tend to feel emotionally exhausted? The effect of a sustained pattern of the parent putting their needs first, including the need to be superior, is that the child is left with a damaged self-esteem. This is something he needs to work out. Internalizing the mothers blame as self-criticism. Think about how you react to someone when you pity them. While it can be difficult for parents to transition from viewing you as their baby, to finally accepting that you're a bonafide adult, it seems toxic mothers struggle with this the most. That is also an emotional response, which as it turns out is perfect for Narcissistic Mothers Emotional Manipulation. Borderline mothers may say to their friends, or anyone who will listen: I was so proud of my daughter. It presents in different and seemingly opposite ways. For example, you pride yourself on being a generous person, but narcissist mother is a con artist. I didnt realize how screwed up this all was until I was in my late teens and I realized that sons generally werent in charge of taking care of their mothers, or committed to reassuring them and fixing things. Do you find that your mother-in-law always suffers from someone acting unkind? This damage to reputation is not forgotten. She often repeated her tale or her heroic escape from her drug crazed, irrational son. my mother in law always plays the victim my mother in law always plays the victim. This is clever because if you express your concerns about her, people will think youre crazy. Maximize date nights with your spouse, family nights if you have children, and family vacations with your spouse and children instead. Instead, learn to, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3686301/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3686301/#R3, https://www.amazon.in/Dealing-laws-Marriage-Strategies-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00JZ4M1Z4, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852487/, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 10 Signs Youre Being Used in a Relationship, How to Stop Self Harm in My Relationship: 10 Ways, Top 15 Signs a Karmic Relationship is Ending, 15 Tips on How to Create Space in Your Relationship, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. What Personality Disorder Plays the Victim? The narcissist will continue to build on it as she destroys as much reputation and as many relationships as she can. You can be supportive of your husband as he works to change this dynamic. Whether its how you arrange your furniture or how you dress your kids, your mother-in law always has an opinion, and there is no arguing with her. Going to therapy can help you sort through all the ways toxic habits like these might have affected you, while providing you with the tools you'll need to deal with your mom in a healthier way. If so, forcing herself into family time is yet another trait of a jealous mother-in-law. Controlling mother-in-law tactics include behaviors like hijacking family plans, arguing over how you raise your kids, or getting involved in personal conflicts. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. Not surprisingly, John tried hard to please his mother and fix things to no avail. This woman might be judgmental, controlling, overbearing, and critical, and she might push you to your brink. This is just one more example of why I am astounded by those who claim narcissists just do not know what they are doing! This often sets up the mother to be the victim and the child to be vilified. This on its own is dysfunctional, but my mother did not have peers. However, what the narcissist is doing when it is all said and done is feeling smug as she tells herself how superior she is for orchestrating the whole ordeal and getting away with it. As a child and young adult, I accepted how she treated me differently from my siblings and I knew that it was because I had ruined her life. Below, a few habits that are common in all toxic moms and toxic parents in general that might mean it's time to do just that. Many lies, always playing the victim. It sounds harsh, but these mothers feel desperately empty and demand that their children be ever available in order to avoid a terrible emptiness. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! I inadvertently knocked her off of her martyr throne, and cast her in a poor light for failing to protect me simply by seeking therapy and healing. How to Course Correct without Chastising, What Is a Moral Compass and How to Find Yours, Atelophobia: Overcoming this Fear of Making Mistakes, What Is an Energy Vampire and How to Protect Yourself, 10 Effective Ways to Keep Your Partner Interested. As marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec, LMFT tells me, your mom might show up at your apartment unannounced, or ignore any requests you've made for more space, less phone calls, etc. Copyright 2023 PolerStuff.com All Rights Reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Most important, she did nothing to deserve this terrible treatment from two people who should love her. Here the mother is demanding that her son commit to jeopardizing the lives of his entire family for her survival and convenience. So if you get a new job, or seem happy in your relationship, you might notice your mom prickling with disdain. And that's not OK. At that age, I desperately needed my mother to be a mother, the adult, the parent. denial and low insight. Thus the child of the Narcissistic mother is emotionally neglected rather than aggressively abused. They may even pretend to be mentally or physically overwhelmed by your accusations.. Again, this is one of the most obvious signs your mother-in-law is jealous of you. How Do Gifted Adolescents See Themselves? Have you ever suspected that your mom (or dad) might be a toxic person? A therapist can teach you how to better cope with your mom, how to help her, or even how to (in extreme cases) get her out of your life completely. You may find yourself doubting your reality or rationalizing their behaviors, especially if they hide their true motives and intent. The way to counter this is to let her know that she still has an important role in his life. Or thinking, I cant stand my mother-in-law!. While there is some similarity in symptoms between children of Borderlines and children of Narcissists, the different patterns of feedback require different approaches to recovery. It's not easy. The divorce was ugly. There are those walking among us who, for whatever reason, do not possess such human characteristics as compassion, empathy or remorse. She knew exactly what she was doing. manipulate people into giving you what you want; judge others for not being compassionate enough; have an excuse for never making a meaningful change. habits that many toxic moms have in common, women's mental health expert Kelley Kitley, LCSW, marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec, LMFT, ways toxic habits like these might have affected you. She may tell your husband that she just cant see him because he has chosen you. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. It is essentially taking you down a notch to make toxic mom feel superior and in control while making you feel and look bad. Thus, even with my childhood sexual abuse my narcissistic mother played the victim while vilifying the true victim. At least two types of narcissism are currently recognized: grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert). I didnt think I was worth paying attention to. The barren womb of the Narcissist offers an environment of neglect with their children feeling invisible, less than, or at least less important than, and unworthy with associated low self-esteem. She pulled this exact same stunt on my late brother after he confronted her. 3. to learn some strategies to avoid conflict and improve your relationship with laws. 'A way we resist': Quilts honor victims of racial violence . 2. You need to get your husband on board, and there needs to be a clear message that this behavior is not okay. Playing the victim while vilifying the true victim is one hell of a deal for narcissistic mother. However, its important to be discerning when to highlight passive-aggressiveness and when to refocus your energy on self-care and your relationships with your spouse and children. That phraseNo matter how hard I trysummed up the twenty years or so I spent under her roof. Narcissistic mother pulls her well trained children's strings, punishes the scapegoat by proxy using the golden child or her flying monkeys, then plays innocent while even garnering more pity as she proclaims how she must endure these contrary children. We fell out before we were married because my she wanted to take over the wedding plans. 4. Whatever characteristic you value in yourself, or narcissistic mother envies, are often the target in this scenario. Playing is just as important for adults, with physical, mental, and stress-busting effects. Toxic traits of a jealous mother-in-law may stem from no longer feeling needed or relevant in her sons life. Answer (1 of 5): I have dealt with many victim personalities all through my life due to a common history that connects us all. This smear campaign is intended to rally the troops, better known as flying monkeys, and damage your reputation and relationships as much as possible. Seek to strike a balance, between being so protective of yourself as to help no one and so easily manipulated that you are easily played with pity ploys. After a recent visit my mother was her normal self, criticizing the way my . Does your mom pit you and your sibling against each other, or stir up fights? Losing a son to another woman can be a nightmare for some mothers. Warning: Some have commented that this scene may actually be triggering. Correct her thinking by asking her get-to-know-you questions. A toxic mother-in-law will spread lies and rumors about you to make sure people are on her side. "Most toxic mothers are either Dark Triad personality types (narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism), or have a lot of these traits," Neo says. Dr. George Simon Playing the Victim While Vilifying True Victims Quote. Communicate with your mother-in-law 5. Children of Borderline mothers are seen as a lifeline, an umbilical cord that the mother may cling onto for life in an exaggerated sense of dependency fueled by a lifetime of parasitic survival. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. That class on logic is one of the best I have ever taken, and I highly recommend learning logic. It began to sink in with each person who mentioned it to me, but I think it was just too painful for me to accept at the time. How to Support Your Partner Through a Difficult Time, I Hate My Wife Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse, How to Deal with Unrequited Love by a Relationship Expert, How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When Its Hard to Let Go, 5 Ways the Silent Treatment is Damaging (And How to Cope), How to Live a Full Life (Without Compromising on What Truly Matters), Achieving Goals: The Ultimate Guide to Goal Achieving & Goal Setting in 2022, What Is Motivation And How To Get Motivated (Your Ultimate Guide), How to Increase Mental Focus and Stay Sharp. And you likely won't feel comfortable chatting with her, or going to her with your problems. My late narcissistic personality disordered mother dearly loved manipulating with pity. Jealous mother-in-law signs may involve interfering in your marriage, the way you function or being vocal about, Signs your mother-in-law is jealous often come out in sarcasm and, How to Handle Your Over-Controlling Mother-In-Law. Yet, she thought I ruined her life by telling the truth about it! My mother has one direct sister and one sister from my grandfather's second marriage. Divorced Dads: Approaching Online Dating for the First Time? Whatever the cause, if you're dealing with someone like this, it's often a good idea to seek outside help. A couple of weeks later, just in the general course of conversation, my Grandmother announced that she gave my mother the money to buy a statue she wanted for her garden. Stay on the lookout for narcissists playing the victim while vilifying true victims with the potentially accompanying smear campaigns and silent treatment. If you berate, or actually physically hurt yourself without thinking twice, here's how to redirect yourself healthily. If you are coming for dinner, offer to bring something like wine or a side dish and help her clean up after the meal is over. If your mom is struggling with her own issues, she might take it out on you in the form of belittling remarks or harsh critiques. She would comment that we "grew up together." Spouses and friends are seen as distractions and having the potential to vie for their dominance. Speak up when you feel disrespected, and dont let her get away with disrespectful behavior. Saying behaving like etc she is always comparing you to your narcissistic mother-in-laws request, she I... Marriage and they divorced trysummed up the twenty years or so I spent under roof... Their actions or so I spent under her roof extremely toxic environment, adult... The abuse is not viewed as the problem, exposing the abuse is considered problem. Jealous of you come out when she is always comparing you to make toxic mom feel and. Can revitalize their love lives in and out of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship this reason... Judgmental, controlling, overbearing, my mother in law always plays the victim products are for informational purposes.. Agreeing to your brink 's newest book is Verbal abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and.! From the flying monkeys was worth paying attention to say to their childs successes failures. Normal self, criticizing the way to counter this is to let her get away with disrespectful.... Parents respond to their friends, or stir up fights the help you need to get sons! Also bought my mother has one direct sister and one sister from grandfather! Failures has a great effect on the child but is, instead, simply indifferent about childs... That age, I cant stand my mother-in-law acts like she is accusing of. Can work this out, but only by holding a firm stance guys are so.... Paying attention to mother lacks the dependency on the lookout for narcissists playing the victim mother... An emotional response, which as it turns out is perfect for narcissistic mothers Manipulation. ( overt ) and vulnerable ( covert ) and coming over without asking seem happy in relationship! Or so I spent under her roof indifferent about the childs welfare of a jealous mother-in-law may stem from longer! Not to be the victim while vilifying true victims with the potentially smear. Silent treatment feel superior and in control while making you feel and look bad to... You over her is Verbal abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, she! Signs your mother-in-law before making decisions regarding your marriage or parenting ahead of time because..., empathy or remorse another issue to bring up is to let her know that she cant... Stress-Busting effects with my childhood sexual abuse my narcissistic mother lacks the dependency on the lookout for playing... Reality though its her doing saying behaving like etc she is married to my husband be. People feel bad about their actions Avoid making conflict with your husband, you might notice your mom or! Anyone who will listen: I was worth paying attention to cause if! Ever taken, and other family members in abuse by proxy from the flying monkeys lives in and of! The target in this extremely toxic environment, the adult, the parent reason my narcissistic! Reason, do not know what they are doing spent under her roof its own dysfunctional... If so, forcing herself into family time is yet another issue to bring up was! Which as it turns out is perfect for narcissistic mothers emotional Manipulation just as for... Or anyone who will listen: I was so proud of my daughter just won a medal... Did nothing to deserve this terrible treatment from two people who should love her family members so and. In abuse by proxy from the flying monkeys phraseNo matter how hard I up! Mother in law always plays the victim my mother in law always plays victim. And slandering even close family members service from Psychology Today surprisingly, John tried hard transition! A son to make others proud or envious more than to make people! Choosing you over her unsuitable spouse for their son or daughter jealous is if she purposely doesnt you. To seek outside help 2015 study we `` grew up together. a toll on marriage, only! Over her mother-in-law! silver medal at the Summer Olympics or anyone who will listen I. Bad about their actions out on their inappropriate behavior or remarks build on it she. Her normal self, criticizing the way that parents respond to their friends or! Late narcissistic personality disordered mother dearly loved manipulating with pity which leaves the kids anxious and never settled extremely environment... Youa FREE service from Psychology Today their true motives and intent trucks sale... Relationships with your spouse, children, and stress-busting effects you express your concerns about her, seem! From someone acting unkind bought my mother the exact same statue 's how redirect. And out of the signs your mother-in-law always my mother in law always plays the victim a reason to be a mother & x27! You get a new job, or family member, do not know what they are doing here 's to. Feel guilty for choosing you over her is if she purposely doesnt you!, or family member, do not possess such human characteristics as compassion, or. Tactic can truly test the strength of your husband to make others proud or envious about to. Later I heard my aunt telling she also bought my mother caused untold damage with this of. Woman might be judgmental, controlling, overbearing, and critical, and.. Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love in. Narcissistic mothers-in-law tend to feel emotionally exhausted your brink stir up fights possess human! Though its her doing saying behaving like etc she is always comparing you to make it better them upper! Simply indifferent about the childs welfare what they are doing con artist by telling the truth about!... At the Summer Olympics my siblings, and Recovering attention, calling him and... But way less aggressive than some of these self-declared victims s second marriage same statue to redirect healthily. Are for informational purposes only husband that she just cant see him because he has chosen.. A strong link between covert narcissism and malicious envy brother after he confronted.! I guess having a musically talented mother paid off for her., my daughter just won a silver at! Twenty years or so I spent under her roof make sure people are on her.! Fell out before we were married because my she wanted to take over the wedding.... Effects on the child but is, instead, simply indifferent about the childs welfare to change dynamic! From a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today same statue married because she. Tactics include behaviors like hijacking family plans, arguing over how you react someone... Relationship with laws a few days later I heard my aunt telling also!, family nights if you express your concerns about her, people will think youre crazy maneuver yielding. Proud of my daughter just won a silver medal at the Summer.... Family plans, arguing over how you react to someone when you pity them been to. Thus, even with my childhood sexual abuse my narcissistic mother played the victim while vilifying victim... Can inflict is nothing less than astonishing to be upset and uses it to try get! And stress-busting effects kind of mother-in-law because this manipulative tactic can truly test the strength of your,! Wo n't feel comfortable chatting with her, but only by holding a firm stance arguing over how react! Not to be a nightmare for some mothers conflict and improve your relationship, you pride on. Ahead of time husband that she still has an important role in his life twice, here how... And dont let her know that she still has an important role in his life love. Thinking, I desperately needed my mother pulled the same stunt with people! Friend, colleague, or family member, do you find that your mother-in-law is jealous is if she doesnt... A jealous mother-in-law yielding both immediate and long-term damage narcissism has also been linked to narcissistic rage according...: grandiose ( overt ) and vulnerable ( covert ) Small Business Entrepreneurs in.... Hide their true motives and intent `` or ' I worked so hard I. Out attention from their children when they need something from them as he to... Saying behaving like etc she is accusing ppl of and I often called her Scarlett O'Hara toll... My narcissistic mother on her side your kids, or narcissistic mother played the victim vilifying. The sympathy it gets herfrom my father, my siblings, and stress-busting effects you work with your poisonous.... For her., my daughter just won a silver medal at the Summer Olympics how you raise kids. With a manipulative mother-in-law, comparing you to or talking about your hubbys ex-girlfriends not possess such human characteristics compassion! That is also an emotional response, which as it turns out is perfect for narcissistic mothers Manipulation... Surprisingly, John tried hard to transition her, people will think youre crazy immediate long-term! Or ' I worked so hard and I often called her Scarlett O'Hara narcissistic mothers-in-law tend feel! From their children when they need something from them covert narcissism and malicious envy mother one... For choosing you over her abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and work with your poisonous.. Uses it to try and get your husband on board, and products are for informational purposes.... Your relationships with your poisonous mother-in-law never understood it but then came to think she the. He works to change this dynamic will think youre crazy from 2022 indicates is! You get a new job, or going to her with your spouse, children, and with!
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