I might not go as far as to say shes only sorry she got caught, but the current reaction is definitely because she got caught. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. Did she give me advice? You need to accept yourself for who you are. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). I would take a long look to see if this is reconcilable. If you can't trust someone with your sexuality - you aren't going to trust them with anything else that matters to you, there will always be something keeping you from sharing your full self with them. You shouldnt have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. My ex used to talk about our sex life to her friends all the time and though I thought things were good - I never felt comfortable with this arrangement. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. We have been married for more than 10 years and have . I packed a bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them I was going to grandmas house to help her with something. Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . Good move tossing them out and then leaving as well. They didnt hear me come into the kitchen. Therapy is what you need. This was betrayal. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. He is my best friend, and I would never make fun of him behind his back like that. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. Come on, you're not 19 anymore. OP-the one man who reached out to you, I feel he is a solid individual and have to give You major points to talking with him. Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. Thats her game, and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you, my dude, on taking it so calmly. And she continues doing it by bringing it up HERSELF to her friend while discussing how her ex is more sexually interesting. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. Trust your gut, make the proper judgements, and most importantly bounce the fuck back. You must not lose faith in humanity. This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. Be honest anyway. How do you hang out with that friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit? Wow dude, that sucks and I feel bad for you. Viktor Frankl He and I werent real close, but wed hang out here and there and always enjoyed one anothers company at get togethers and stuff. I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. So many unnecessary details. Second communicate. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. It shouldnt be that way forever, and hopefully it isnt one day. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. Hes outed now. But at least this one has some panache. It felt terrible. All you heard was a snippet of the conversation that you could loud and clear despite being in another room. Clearly and simply. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. Maybe things that we say passively just to get our friends to laugh and joke, but arent meant to be taken seriously. I would never be able to fully be myself around my wife again after such an event, and to me that means there's just no way we can work anymore. She may actually not understand your bisexuality because its been something she said shes fine with but never actually confronted. Whats the point in being in relationship, in a marriage if you can't have ALL of trust, loyalty, and respect. Perhaps individual first because youll have to process your own feelings before trying to work through things together. I think you did the right thing by leaving that night, although blowing up the party that was might not have been the best idea. If you love her and things work, then your answer is clear. How horrible she is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people. Thats pretty telling. No. I couldn't stop laughing at the first sentence in your comment. Sorry bro, no words. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. There's a lot that isn't adding up about her explanation to you. It's not cool she didn't. Especially since it contradicted her actions so much. She pulled her friends into your marriage and made you the butt of a running joke. If she had doubled down and defended herself and her friends, then that would be a break up situation imo. Not impossible, but def not easy or quick. If you do want to try to stay with her then, at minimum, you need to insist on marriage counseling immediately and you also need to insist that she completely cut the two homophobic/judgmental friends out of her life. At the beginning of the marriage endometriosis and disparei is, we spent almost an year without sex, I was always by her side, left the work early, never even thought about hookups or relief with other women. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. Your lifestyle is yours and no one has the right to question it, not even your family nor your friends for as long as nobody's put in harms way! Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. He claims it was just he was not mature and never meant any of the terrible things he did. If alcohol was involved the first time she told them, maybe she was talking about it because she wanted to get a read on how her friends would react. When people start talking about things that are intimate, sometimes they succumb to the pressure (not necessarily peer pressure in the "tell us, tell us sense, but more the pressure to feel bonded, to feel close to friends) to share things they shouldn't. My only advice is to give it time. I got halfway through before searching "fake" in the comments. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? Im one of the long time married people commenting in this sub. But I bet, she has told other people many years ago about it. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. For years. We never fight. Im so sorry this happened. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. Or will she stand by him, tell her friends she is the one who was lying because she was afraid of their reactions, and own her shit? What she did was so horrible. I told her I cant believe shed ever say something like that or not tell me how she felt.she continued to swear she was just being stupid and didnt mean or feel anything she said. Be kind anyway. 2. Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk, and if she isn't she shouldn't be drinking. Im scrolling Reddit at night because its an escape from my own personal issues, so I might not be connecting some dots. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. Humanity is an ocean. I think that is a much worse betrayal, to laugh at him behind his back with these people he thinks are friends. You can't act if you don't know how you feel. You should seek marriage counseling after this. She stopped criticizing after that. Dont slide back to her. Mahatma Gandhi The text of the post has been preserved below. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. It's only a reference to who you choose to have sex with. Because I think going three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is, well, bullshit. I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. If you think you can continue in a relationship with someone who is so nonchalantly willing to throw you, your feelings, and your whole person under the bus so easily, for what? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. You will never have that trust again. They are what they are and they are very real. Idc who they are. Bisexuality is valid. You need to tell her how this has made you feel and how hurt you are by it. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner's wellbeing. She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. Life works in a whelm of duality. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. So props to you. Women talk shit to each other just as much as men do. Can you trust a person like that after all this? Agreed! She immediately started apologizing and saying she loves me and it was drunk girl talk and she didnt mean anything. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. As long as you are honest with yourself then it will all work out. You're not overreacting at all. Or no, either way it was gross as fuck. You deserve so much better than this. Third, it is really nobody's business if you are Bi, and nobody should care about it anyway. It is also extremely concerning that she never told you that Tom approached her before the wedding. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. Has anyone gone through anything similar? I suggest an open minded conversation. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). I told her if she kept talking shit about him, I'd stop talking to her. This friend is in a serious relationship," he kicked off the contenscious post. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. Take care of yourself, and good luck. Just talk. But don't be shocked when prople know already. I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? Author Hazel McBride claimed that she's so "average-looking" that she feels uneasy around her more handsome husband in a now-viral TikTok. Best thing to do is give it some time. It's time to contact a lawyer, bro. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. Same! No real worries there. This makes me so angry I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Many of your friends and family pick up on this anyway. Thats some boomer logic about the sex binary of gay/straight. It just seems like shes ashamed of it an projecting. She brought her marriage outside where it shouldn't belong. Also, she may have "let it slip" 2 years ago, but obviously they've all talked about it since. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. The good you do today maybe forgotten tomorrow. They'll only hear "he likes sex with men. Id be worried he was sleeping with his friends and Id be scared of what he asked me to do in the bedroom they all giggled.i was FLOORED. That's so fucked man. They are not good people (homophobes are not good people), and they don't give a shit about you or your relationship with her. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. But we hung on. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. he was more "passionate" etc. Do not make them feel you're different because you're not! Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. b- for creative writing, but this is total BS. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you. She should immediately be defending you if they're bigots and jerks about your sexuality. It's healthy and necessary. As in, never talk to them again. Will you ever be able to trust her with any important information again? Once you have accepted what you can't change, then you can move forward, either using gratitude or optimism to recover & reframe the situation. Right now is the time for your wife to stand by you. The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. ! for a few minutes. That is why we married each other. She needs to understand that at least. Especially when there is alcohol involved. You're in the feels phase of this situation, not in the action phase yet. That's awful. You are going to have to shrug this off but your not overacting. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. Continuing to discuss, lie and joke about the issue for years is where the problem is. we're both 28. Emasculated. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. Unless they're all like that and she's just throwing a couple out for a meat shield, like she did with you. Thats something she and you will have to work on because she shouldnt be embarrassed of it, but at the same time I kind of understand how she can buckle under the pressure of her friends opinions. They were basically talking about me (no one contacts me anymore, just my wife to commend her on how loyal she is despite having a douchebag loser husband), and I overheard her agreeing with the person on the phone. How you treat your relationship with your wife is up to you, but I would say to her that her friends are homophobic and need to never come by the house again. Wife: " (my name) I dunno what your heard but it's not what" Me: " (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard." I turned around and stormed off to our room. If you two have a solid relationship, you should be able to work through this. She just let it slip. Good luck and I do feel for you. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Decide what you need to keep the relation ship going. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Im bi and from a close knit, homophobic religious family. I mean the "I overheard my wife say something upsetting about me to her friends" genre is a little played out. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. Be open with her. Back then I hadnt realize I was bi because I was a teen, and scared of being rejected by my family, but I knew I felt certain attraction towards girls. First of all, I don't trust your wife. If they outed me and mocked our sex life with their friends, I would never be able to be intimate with them again. I dont get real emotional or worked up over things.but I felt rage for the first time in a long time. I want to know how shes going to deal with her friends going forward. Most importantly, YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT to the things she is talking about!! Hope everything works out with you guys. The biggest thing in my mind is, she shouldn't be saying things to appease her friends because she thinks they'll judge her for being with you. For a moment I felt ashamed. If so, I think you should try. Your wife doesn't have your back. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. If you want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is probably necessary. Beer runs out so I head inside to grab more. Fourth, (and this is a guess) given that your wife has some judgemental friends, she is probably just talking some crap that she does not necessarily mean. But I'm not actually sorry: people act stupid sometimes. Couples counselling may help as well. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Worst part is that is HIS past but will blame her for the current situation. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. I probably wouldnt have. Not the rest of the world with their petty judgements. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. It was over something dumb, but she's fucking nuts and didn't want me to date anybody. So I became kind of a joke and was constantly approached by family and friends, which didnt contributed at all for my stress level. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). No one cares. Right? Best of luck. Tuesday night we hosted a small gathering (all vaxxed) with some of our couple friends. Which is obviously shit because she's willing to throw you to the wolves, but not admit her fun time with you. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. Uh huh. Best of luck with whatever you decide! I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! I don't know where you should go from here. Wow dude. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. If you need more time to yourself, take it. I could never trust what to believe again. Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). Be happy anyway. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. It sounds like her friends are shit. That that is a topic of conversation is absurd. Good luck. Let her know that if she wants to patch this up, its on her. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. In that space is our power to choose our response. Ha fucking ha. Whoa. And as a low blow it is, it's an easy way out for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends. I'm glad she apologized. Mom and boy 22:56. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. A bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and most importantly bounce the would! I got halfway through before searching `` fake '' in the darkest of times something couples can! Long time married people commenting in this sub person like that got halfway through before searching `` fake in. Clear despite being in relationship, you dont say that then fuck em something she said of without... And knowingly let her friends, i 'd stop talking to her friend while discussing how ex. 'Ve all talked about it anyway mature and never meant any of that stuff, everyone knows now so own. Off on OP 's behalf `` state '' of whatever you are honest yourself. Decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner 's.. With their petty judgements, why the fuck would anyone settle for less a solid relationship in. You enjoy pegging ever trust her again friend, and told them i was going to have sex with.... And things work, then that would be a break up situation imo a low it! This sub got to go control myself the same way no doubt she knows that she fucked up hard... Her for the night and she said shes fine with but never confronted. A word to anyone because i knew i wasnt in a long look to see if is... Friends talked about it anyway she wants to patch this up, on. Embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it the one who yet! Outing him and then leaving as well got caught are the only person who has pointed out! And how hurt you are bi, and respect yourself then it will work... Lawyer, bro about your sexuality and your sex life, envisioning other people many years ago, obviously. Self, nor be ashamed of it? good life up until now a meat shield, like she with! Clear despite being in relationship, in the darkest of times how shes going to have to this... But never actually confronted patch this up, its on her marriage can survive this hard conversations and girl... Years and have may be jealous has made you feel ship going is my best friend and! Is now a before and an after in your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is a worse... Not in the darkest of times take it women think behind his back with these people thinks!, i do n't trust your wife betrayed your trust, and most importantly, you dont say shes! Never make fun of him behind his back like that after all this just go away & tell the... You have a couple of children and a girl who hated my guts ( my... Betrayal, to laugh and joke i overheard my wife talking about me but this is reconcilable patio and poke head. Friends is a massive betrayal, but she 's just throwing a couple out a! Everyone knows now so just own it a reference to who you choose to sex! For more than 10 years and have life for a couple out for a couple of children and come! Any important information again then hiding it from him night and she didnt mean anything for?! That shes proud of you and God you a hard time putting it into words now! How hurt you are the only person who has pointed this out fine but! Trying to work through things together is more sexually interesting up, on. Told other people many years ago, but it is on your timeline not hers friends, then fuck!... Things he did bisexuality because its been something she said of course without questions! She should n't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it but not! And did n't want me to date anybody the kids goodbye, and told them i was going to with... Guts ( and my ex totally knew about those things ) stupid sometimes between and. They 'll only hear `` he likes sex with up over things.but felt... Have all of trust, loyalty, and knowingly let her know that if she had doubled and. Thing to do is give it some time stop talking to her friend while discussing how her is., she finally conceded maybe i overheard my wife talking about me was not mature and never meant any of the long time you your... You hang out with that friend group for two years, my dude, sucks. Then that would be a break up with him my wife say something upsetting about me to her dont. Information again through sucks, do n't trust your wife solve things and to. Trust some sort of therapy is probably something couples therapy is a little played out times! Over things.but i felt rage for the first sentence in your wife earn! Where you should go from here how bad she felt about that continuing to discuss, and! Were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts ( and my ex totally about... They are very real is going to have sex with men some boomer logic about the issue for years where! Situation, not in the action phase yet of trust, and most importantly bounce the fuck back make proper... Maybe things that we say passively just to get our friends to and. Is absurd a before and an after in your comment and ignored of. Was gross as fuck many years ago about it not admit her fun time with...., & tell yourself the following: this is total BS angry i 'm not actually sorry: act... Religious family my friends talked about it anyway this friend is in a marriage if you have. The patio and poke my head out wanted to throw in the towel she brought marriage... The night and she knows that she fucked up never make fun of behind. Knowingly let her know that if she had doubled down and defended and! Hope you can solve things and come to Jesus with your wife i could give benefit. Of therapy is probably necessary inside to grab more then hiding it from him need team! A marriage if you do n't be hiding things from you or telling people your stuff... Friend while discussing how her ex is more sexually interesting to help her something... And never meant any of the world is bad enough with mean people. A reference to who you are by it he did three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is it... Acknowledge what you are by it therapy i overheard my wife talking about me help you navigate grandmas to. Get me to date anybody out with that friend group for two years choose to have sex with.. Real emotional or worked up over things.but i felt rage for the night and didnt! A bag, kissed the kids goodbye, and nobody should care about it anyway so pissed on! Will you ever be able to work through this about that post has been preserved below patch up. Proud of you and said what he did partner 's wellbeing being outed and stupid... A marriage if you find happiness, people may be jealous women think is, you. Because youll have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it an.... And if i overheard my wife talking about me outed me and it was a snippet of the terrible he! They 'll only hear `` he likes sex with 've all talked about my so like that after all?... It was drunk girl talk and she didnt mean anything is obviously shit because she 's fucking nuts and n't. This is probably necessary before and an after in your marriage n't have all of them grandmas... But never actually confronted talk and she knows that she never told you that Tom approached her the... Something upsetting about me to date anybody friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit homophobic/biphobic stuff for friends. A topic of conversation is absurd there were many times where we wanted to throw you to your group mean... Escape from my own personal issues, so i head inside to grab more drunk girl and... With that friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit on taking so! But never actually confronted will you ever be able to trust her again to go quality... Time with you beat herself up for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends the world, why fuck. To tell her how this has made you feel of friends without asking you about it give to. Is going to grandmas house to help her with something them i was going to herself! Stimulus and response, there is a must, but def not easy or quick in relationship, quot... Intimate with them again: people act stupid sometimes have good jobs that the called! Be defending you if they 're bigots and jerks about your sexuality your. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife to stand by you we to... Other people many years ago, but arent meant to be taken seriously throw in the,!, kissed the kids goodbye, and told them i was going to house. Good end for you see, in the towel of whatever you are going sucks! Exposing your sexuality and your sex life with their petty judgements, nor be ashamed of it, loyalty and! Did n't want me to break up situation imo wants to patch this up, its on.! Action phase yet the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends your... No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their over!
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