It's certainly true that when we are angry, we have less access to our "higher" thought centers. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. Find high-quality royalty-free vector images that you won't find anywhere else. For NVC to offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners. To be rigorous, one could ask Would you be able and willing to? or Would it work for you to? Anyway, this point seems to me to be about nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently present in a request. I hope that writing this will help crystalize my own thinking, and be a contribution to you. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. A while ago, a colleague brought to my attention aessay comparing a communication practice called "Clean Talk" with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in quite some detail. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. Talk to a Coach . My take on your comparison is that the issues you point to, variously: It all seems valuable to me to engage with. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. And, if what I did was wrong means, knowing what I know now, I wish I had made a different choice I feel sad and long for the wisdom to make different choices going forward then I wouldnt regard that as moralistic and would be happy to have it be expressed. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. CleanTalk Awards. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. As an NVC practitioner, I dont try to block judgments from happening and I notice and acknowledge them as they arise, but I also dont dwell on them or believe that they are true. I take them as a signal that something needs attending to, and I look at the situation through the lens of (NVC-style) needs, and attend to the needs in play (mine and others). In this case, the judgment may still be present, but the driving energy that created, strengthened and sustained the judgment is likely to be gone or greatly weakened because Im not identified with believing the judgment or focusing on it, neither am I resisting it, and Im attending to the underlying concern that the judgment arose to call attention to. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Might there be valuable ways of using the energy of anger, beyond using it as a wake-up call? In: People are understood as having powerful intrinsic motivation to contribute to life and to one anothers well-being, which can blossom when these impulses are not being dampened by a coercive milieu. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. You say "Clean Talk allows for the expression of anger in the same manner as other emotions and contrast this with NVCs encouragement to transform anger and then express what was at the heart of our anger. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence. . I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. . Your partner either will not be sure what youre driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. So, I feel immensely grateful to you for taking the time to compare and analyze Clean Talk and NVC, articulate your insights and concerns, and make this available. The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened CleanTalk eliminates the need for CAPTCHA, questions&answers and other ways which use complicated communication methods for spam protection on your site. Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. There are two ways to criticize someone you can critique their character or their behavior. The technical meaning is different (associated with different connotations) than the way the word is commonly used in English. NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. Note to self: Explore how it might look to express two different levels of meaning in NVC. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. Its a bit of an odd practice, and requires some practice to do skillfully, but it can be effective. In the story I made up, there was a role play happening, and the person just wanted to know whether they were being asked to be themselves, or put themselves in another's shoes. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after youve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. If I were to ask someone Why did you say no? there is a high risk that the listener will think I am looking for ammunition to use to do battle with them, and theyre liable to respond defensively. Do you really think thats a good idea?. Its seldom something that can be done in real time in the middle of a conversation. You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know Ive been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. seeming condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is received. NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. NASA said Wednesday it awarded $425 million to Boeing Co. for the agency's "Sustainable Flight Demonstrator" project as the Biden administration works to cut aviation sector emissions. Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. It seems like you struggle to be on time. As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into a more holistic and humane way of thinking about situations. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. . Price: US $24.84. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. So, in my judgment, using the word need when talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings. NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. Note to self: Think about examples of requests that seem to limit options, consider what might be special about the situations where it feels like that, and what could be done instead. ", You offer the image of a "dam across a river" and say "as long as the river keeps flowing, the water must find a way through." I think it would be unfortunate if anyone understood this as a speech rule saying that one cant ever express or process interpretations. If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. Thanks for reaching out! What days are New Dawn Works open? Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. I suspect it was a habit unique to the person you were listening to. But in assailing someones very identity, youre issuing a global label a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they dont just do bad stuff, they are a bad person. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. One could argue that a relative weakness of Clean Talk is that it apparently doesnt aspire to support some of the types of challenging-but-valuable deep change that NVC at its best can contribute to. As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." I do think it's true that practicing NVC can lead to a sense of there being disadvantages to some of the ways that people conventionally think about "boundaries." And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. It's called the "Clean Buildings, Clean Air" ordinance. That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. The physiological response suggests that on some level we've made a judgment that fighting might be an appropriate response. 1. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". Under other circumstances, I willingly share interpretations. Post in topic forums and browse thousands of posts. I agree that if one is going to bring what you call judgments (and what I might call interpretations) into a conversation, then it is helpful to label them and subjectively own them, and that this is even more true if one is sharing a moralistic judgment. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. I seldom use this sort of labeling anymore, and I think this is true of many NVC trainers. Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. Attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners people lose ; and often, if you look closely, loses... 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clean talk communication
